its what you did thats hurting you.

sadly, i've failed to write a new post lately.
witch isnt all that tragic, i hope.

i think its safe to say that i'm in a very comfortable stage in my life,
so far, everything is back to the way it use to be. no worries.
i'm crossing my fingers though.. cause it seems that everytime i become happy..
something pulls that happyness away.
theres no reaosn to be afraid of happyness... but i am. and that might sound crazzy.
but i truly belive that this time fate wants me to be happy, and i give thanks to that.
i'm afraid to be happy, mostly because i'm afraid of what the outcome will be if happyness decides to walk out the door.

i ride a rollarcoster. i've gone thorugh most of my life being mad at the world for letting my dad leave us. but that chapter got torn out of the book i call my life. then soon after that, i was fine. no more blaming my mom for not being good enough for my dad to wanna stay, and no more fights and suicidal thoughts. i became happy, and thats when me and my mom became friends. i was happy. i had boyfriends, whom didnt really make things better.. but the realatonships were nice while they lasted. i never really fell for any of them.. i just started dating them because they asked. but then came last year.. the year i fell in love. it was anthony. he changed everything. the first time i fell for anyone. and i fell deep, far from the depths of witch i could bring myself back. not only did he change me, but we changed eachother. i fell in love with the way he could just be himself.. no matter who was watching. i admired that. loving him is the only thing thats right, in all that i've done.

but i dont deserve him. hes far too amazing, and i honestly dont know why he'd love me. but as far as i know, he does. and i love him... and i cant help that. weather i deserve to love him or not.

leaving him was the worst decition, i have ever made, and hopfully will ever make. it was stupid. i was stupid. the hole idea was stupid. but i felt that i was bound by the laws of the same routeen. i thought i needed a change.. and when i seen him(we'll call him heartbreak), i thought i found my ride.. my ticket to the way out. but all that i managed to do was digg a hole that took what felt like an eternity to get out of. heartbreak truly had a terrible case of love-bipolar, i had no idea when he would snap.. he was a walking time bomb. i was in denile, but i still knew exactly what was going on. i just was scared to leave... and get back to the way my life was sapose to be; with anthony. by the end of it, i had no sympathy for myself. i only ahd myself to blame for the state of mind i was in.

even after all that.. after everything i did wrong. he still managed to love me. and it showed. thats where my new book started. in my mind.. the old book had been burned; never having the pleasure of being read again.



i wonder everyday where i'd be without anthony. but i dont dare to find out.